Rhonda's blog

Finding Me

Fri, 25 Apr 2008 13:39:05 -0700

I am sitting here at my computer in the fourth bedroom of my youngest sisters home surround by the belongings I have traveled with since leaving Colorado in August of last year. I have been staying with friends and family. Something that I would never have done in the past. What a gift it has been to learn this lesson of receiving support and care.

Since my break up, I have had to face my inability to see emotional abuse as it is happening in an intimate relationships. I am excellent when I am in coaching mode, but put me next to a man I love and someone else shows up in my body. I accept what absolutely shouldn't be unacceptable. Heck, I don't even see it until I am going backwards in my own life feeling like the water is rising and I don't know how to swim. Yes, I do see it faster but not fast enough. I lost a lot of blood last year. Too much.

It has been humbling. It has been painful. It has taken ever ounce of courage to see that relationship with unveiled eyes. To uncover how the past plays out in the present. To be willing to keep loving myself the entire time through the shame, the embarrassment, the humiliation.

I have been resting. I have been recovering. I have been journeling, meditating, reading and crying. I have seen a medical doctor, an acupuncturist, an energy healer, a chiropractor and a trauma therapist. I have put everything on the chopping block. Every belief, every philosophy, every value. I have been unraveling my life down to the thinnest string that has been keeping me alive. I have put my life on notice. Nothing is sacred. Nothing.

It has been incredible. It has been absolutely frightening. I have felt true terror for the first time in my life. More than once. Terror to be alive. Terror to die. Sheer terror being me. The responsibility. The desire. The passion. Everything.

Now, I am stretching my limbs out of the darkness and feeling the light on my skin that I couldn't recognize a few months ago. I've always known it was there...like a good friend the light never leaves me. But I, at times, must leave it. To go deep. To live in the darkness. To till the soil of my soul stirring more oxygen in the earth for new growth, new energy, new seeds to bud.

Seeds are sprouting. It seems that they are sprouting exactly as I would have anticipated but somehow different. I mean, I am working on writing my fifth book which I knew I would be doing. I am visioning and planning another television show which is a 'duh!'. So all the actions are unfolding as planned but instead of the sun casting a hue of yellow, it feels like a beacon of bright glaring white light is hitting everything I touch. Everything I see. I don't know how things are going to grow in this new light. Heck, I don't know if I should pull up some more weeds or just sit in the shade for a while.

I was told by a mentor of mine in December that this is my time to master how to manifest in being rather than doing. That's what it feels like. I have taken my hands off the wheel like I've done a thousand times before but this time, I haven't even gotten into the car. I am sitting on the porch sipping a peach ice tea and the postman is delivering the lastest news.

My only cost, the only requirement, to win the lottery of life is to be me. Period. Me. Pure Me. This is new territory.

Sure, I have been practicing self-loving acts towards myself. Nuturing myself more and caring deeply about my needs, wants and desires. At times, it feels so self-indulgant. Yet, what I have learned is to transcend self-indulgance I must claim my own being. Live in my own skin. Breathe my own breath. Be my own person.

I feel like the biggest cliche of all times. "To Thine Own Self Be True," says William Shakespeare. He didn't say be true during work hours only or when you are with your family or at the grocery store or when it's easy. He said "to thine own self be true." Period.

Imagine taking that to the next level of your life? Imagine ever word you say or not say you must filter through: To Thine Own Self Be True. Envision every action you take must also pass through that filter. Sit down for a moment and just start to comprehend how radically your words might alter or your actions might change if your only filter, the only one you use, is: To Thine Own Self Be True.

Not the self that lives in fear...To Thine OWN Self Be True. OWN SELF. Own yourself. Own your skin. Own your thoughts. Own your feelings. Own your sensations. Own all of you. Own that you are you and no one else. No desire to be anyone else. You are you.

I feel completely inadequate to describe what I am experiencing. As I write I feel like a hacker on the golf course trying to get the ball in the hole but just wacking away Because for a long time I have been me. The me I could see. The me I could understand. The me I could move, motivate and inspire. I have been those me's absolutely wonderfully.

I liked being me. Heck, I loved being me. I just had to be willing, coming from a very different place, to love me unconditionally.

What's the funniest thing of all to me is I have no desire to go back to my old life. None. I have no desire to live the same way I did even when I know that I loved it. Key word: loved it. It doesn't seem big enough for me now. My life seems so small when I look back at the past five years.

Now, I know technically my life wasn't small. In truth, I was small. Too small. Too small for all of me. No more. I am taking all of me with me from now on. All my wonder, and passion and boundaries. And I am diving in....

I am making waves splashing and yelping and generally throwing myself off the deep end. That's where I belong because that is who I am. Who'd like to join me? The water is rough on the surface but cool and gentle and free floating once you get deep in the water. See, you must go deep to find a place to rest. But to go deep, you have to endure some rough water. Not by chance, by choice. Consciously, willingly and fully.

That's fearless living. This is my path. Will you join me?

You are worth every morsel of expansion. You are worth digging in the dirt for with your bare hands to find your soul inside the seeds planted deep in the earth. You are worth diving off the cliff just to see how it feels and hear the air whosh past your ears while your stomach is in your throat. You are worth falling in love with. You are absolutely worth it. And so am I.

I commit to happiness, to crazy silly joy and being true to myself 365 days a year. I was talking to a friend of mine last week and she was asking me what's next in my life. My answer: I have no idea but I am going to be happy.

Sorry its been so long

Sat, 01 Mar 2008 15:37:47 -0800

Thank you for all your notes and phone calls asking if I am all right. I am touched and grateful for the connection we have. So now, where do I begin?

It seems redundant to tell you I haven't been myself lately. Wait. That's not quite true. I actually think I am becoming more myself.

I have a theory. My theory is when we get on the Fearless Path, we are compelled to become more of who we were always meant to be. Sometimes that isn't always easy to decipher. The direction we head isn't always forward. Sometimes the direction seems skewed, off base, or even careening off track. We feel lost, confused and backward. Sometimes thats how it feels: backward. (note: when I feel like I am going backward, I know, as long as I am present and choosing actions more in alignment with the truth of who I am, I am always going deeper.)

Now, when we are going all of these different directions - here's the theory part - I believe that what is really happening is our foundation is getting bigger, longer, wider, richer, deeper, more expansive. That means - again, theory part - that things can come up that used to be hidden (because we couldn't or didn't want to deal with it or tell ourselves the truth.) Because the bigger our foundation is, the more access we have to all those parts of ourselves that we have been hiding away, that were split off from us during the hard times in our life. Now that our foundation is bigger, we have more tools, skills and courage to handle what's coming our way. (Even though it doesn't feel like it at first. We are in new territory remember.)

Think of it this way...when our foundation gets bigger, we have the room, and space, to pick up the pieces of ourselves that we have left behind. That's the good news.

For instance, I will never forget the first time I was jealous. I have no memory of ever being jealous growing up but boy, oh boy, when I did feel it for the first time, it consumed me. I felt obsessed. I was about thirty-three years old. Not yet a coach and not yet knowing where I was going in my life.

Who was I jealous of? A friend of mine who I had been coaching (without the certificate) for seven years about every single aspect of her life. And I hate to say it, but she was no brain surgeon. I had to spell things out and be very specific over and over again. (Now, I see she was in my life to train me to listen and teach at a very profound level. Thank you friend!)

So here we were: Good friends. Me, the pseudo-teacher and she, the pseudo-student. And one day she comes to me and tells me she is going to start teaching workshops. I almost fell out of my chair. WHAT!? YOU??! TEACH!?!?

I was speechless. Overcome really. Within weeks, she had flyers up and was telling all her friends to attend her class.

I wanted to gag! Then it hit me, I was jealous and judgmental because she was doing what I wanted to do. I don't think it was workshops specifically but it was something to do with sharing, and giving, and connecting and my jealousy told me she didn't have the right to do it. I mean, I was the one who had been teaching her!!!

Jealousy kicked my butt and got me into action. But this is the point I am attempting to make: I would never have had the capacity to give myself the permission to feel jealous if I hadn't grown as a person. Jealousy was an absolute no-no in my youth so to actually allow those feelings of jealousy to come up without dying, well, that was just darn brave on my part.

See I had to be willing to feel jealous because what caused the jealousy was also causing the 'no' within me. The reasons I told myself she couldn't do it were also keeping me from doing it. She didn't deserve to do it than neither could I. She wasn't smart enough than neither was I. And on and on it goes.

The sad part is most of us would call that experience going backwards or stupid or bad. The very feeling that is coming out and up to be healed we want to stuff back in as fast a possible and keep ignoring it and pretend we couldn't possibly feel that way. But as human beings we are capable of feeling all feelings. And as you have heard me say a million times by now, "The feeling you are afraid to feel is running your life," is true.

In the past fifteen months my platform, my foundation, my ground has expanded to all sides of me i.e. up over pluto, reaching past hong kong, over the arctic circle and down to the molten core. Now this is the tricky part: I might think right now that I am at the core, but opps, two year or fifteen months or one week from now, it might feel like I am doing deeper, wider, higher still. That's okay. That is the fun part of the Fearless Path.

And yes, I did say FUN!!!

Regardless of all the emotions I have barely lived through in the past fifteen months, I know I am just touching the surface of what is possible for me. I am reaching in to my soul and coaxing it out little by little. And it feels absolutely wonderful. And it takes a ton of my energy, hence, no blogs.

I feel different now. I will try to articulate it in the months ahead but it is still coalescing. I just don't want to scare it away until I have more of it in my cells.
Because understanding it is one thing, but getting it into your bones is completely something else. And I want this in my bones. Therefore, I must be gentle. I must be patient. I must love all of this. Pray for me.

Merry Christmas

Sat, 22 Dec 2007 20:50:13 -0800

What does Christmas mean to you? For some, it means presents and holly. To others, it represents Jesus. And still others, it means very little but perhaps a day off for the national holiday. Whatever it means to you, I invite you to use it to focus on the meaning of your own life.

As humans, we tell stories to give meaning to what we do and say because we are all searching for meaning. Underlying it all, we are all living by our values. And those values, give our life the meaning we hope to have or a meaning that we were hoping we'd never have to face. But there is meaning, nonetheless.

What meaning do you want your life to represent a day from now? A week or even a year? What do you want your name to mean when anyone hears it? What imagines do you want your behavior to conjure up in someone's mind and heart?

When we think about how we show up in the world to ourselves, to our loved ones, to strangers...I hope it gives us pause. Thinking about how we show up is a step in self-awareness, self-choice, self-love. It isn't meant to make us paranoid but it is meant to wake us up to the choices we make unconsciously.

Let's face it...all of us are unconscious sometimes. The more we come to terms with it, the more we can face our lives consciously, awake and aware. That isn't always easy but it must be on our path if we want to own our wholeness.

Now, we are already whole, complete, amazing human beings. But most of us don't use our wholeness to live our lives but only use parts of ourselves. The more we bring our whole self to the table of life the more we can partake of the pleasure, the joy, the peace that is available to us.

And owning our wholeness gets us in touch with the true meaning of who we are and our place in the world. I want meaning as much as the next guy. And I also realize my search for meaning can be a double edge sword. I can make up stories to give my life meaning that have nothing to do with the reality that is present. (I think that is how most of us live.) Or I can look at the reality that is in front of me, and find the higher truth, the deeper meaning that can guide me on my spiritual path.

A few days ago I started writing my fifth book. It scares me and that is good. It means I am hitting the bones of my soul. That works for me and hopefully, it will work for you.

I am attempting to tell the deepest truth possible and allow the meaning hidden behind the story to shine. Yes, I want my life to have meaning. But I also know, secretly, that it already does just because I am alive. To benefit fully from that meaning means I must keep telling the truth, again and again and again. Until I hit rock bottom.

This holiday season I ask you to join me. Ponder the questions offered and before stepping into 2008 know that your life has meaning and plenty of it. Then start watching, carefully, it will show itself in the most unexpected places. And isn't that what life is about? Surprises! Ahhh, yes. Surprise me life. Surprise me!

May this holiday season be infused with the meaning of the holidays...sharing, caring and loving. May you see it everywhere you go. May you feel loved. May you feel worthy. May you feel the peace of the season.

I am sending love to you and yours....but mostly, to you! xoRhonda

December 2007

Fri, 14 Dec 2007 00:21:58 -0800

Days ticking by until the New Year. Reflecting back on what was to get a glimpse of what might be.

I've always said how you enter one year is how you will enter the next. That holds true for relationships and jobs. The ending matters just as much as the beginning. The good news is is that the ending is always determined by you. What you do with how it ended, what you are left with and how you integrate it to make something fresh, new, life-enhancing.

It's no secret that I've had a particular tough year. Emotionally, I have been through the ringer. Physically, I feel drained. Spiritually, I have leaned on what I know, what I believe. And yet, there have been moments I have felt in crisis in all areas of my life.

This year has been one of learning to be more true to me than I ever dreamed. I didn't even know I was being less than what I could be. I had no idea that there were some cracks in my life. Everything appeared and felt, until this year, to be clear, focused and centered. I knew who I was, my purpose and my values. And I thought I was doing a heck of a job being me.

I think there are times in all of our lives when it feels like the wind gets kicked out of you but nothing truly dramatic has happened. You are going along in your life and wham! You are knocked down on the ground and can't seem to get a foothold on much of anything.

That is what this entire year felt like.

I have been reading a ton of books to give me reassurance and solace. Many talk about the feelings of being lost, nothing feels solid or real. I nod my head. I have read some of these books previously. Then, I thought I understood what they were talking about. Heck, I have had plenty of despair and suffering. But nothing like this.

This is what it has felt like...when I was in emotional pain before I didn't know what was happening to me. Now, I know. And my heightened awareness, in many ways, makes this better. Yet, in some ways, it makes it feel worse.

Each day I attempt to the best of my ability to allow what is moving through me to move. Each day I cry if tears show up, vent if need be and tell the truth. Always telling the truth.

What feels weird is I feel more dead and more alive at the same time. I know a part of me is dying. The part that is small and predictable and is run by hidden rules. I also know a part of me is blossoming. It feels strong and clean and powerful. I see more glimpses of that part of me becoming more awake.

I wonder what else has to die within me for me to awaken more fully? I wonder what part of you has to die for you to own more of your life? I wonder what you and I have to claim? Stand for? Let go of? Say no to? Say yes to? Own up to? in order for us to walk into 2008 clean?

In the days ahead, I ask you to reflect upon the changes you have made in 2007. What tools and skills are you taking in to the new year? What qualities of being are you expressing and owning and sharing that you can claim as yours for 2007?

To help you, I urge you to list 100 gratitudes and 100 acknowledgements for 2007. This will give you a foundation to lean on as you walk into 2008. I'm doing it. Please join me. Perhaps 2008 will be the year we all decide to truly live fearlessly!

The Truth of Friendship

Sun, 02 Dec 2007 21:53:30 -0800

Friends are only friends if they are willing to tell you the truth. Otherwise, they are just mere acquaintances.

It saddens and frustrates me when friends don't tell friends the truth. I mean, when someone complains about the same thing over and over again (or the same person over and over again i.e. if they can't forgive someone or see their innocence), perhaps someone should tell them...HEY BUD, IT's YOU!

I remember a friend of mine crying to me one night about how he is so trusting with people but they always let him down. I told my friend right then and there that it wasn't about trusting people, it was about his discernment. He called it trust so he could blame them if the relationship didn't go his way. He was not taking responsibility for his part in it. That's the truth for so many of us.

Now, just to be clear...you must be a good friend, a friend that has the ability to listen beyond the story being told i.e. does not put loyalty above the truth.

A good friend doesn't believe there is only one version to any story... there is always two. A good friend may say things like, "Man that sucks" but they also follow that up with ... "and what was your part in it?" Maybe not in that same moment but in a moment that follows...the moment of true friendship.

What I have come to realize is, sadly, some people don't want the truth. They don't want truth friends. They don't want to be called out or called on to change themselves or their version of the story. Heck, they are so busy weaving a story they probably don't know what the truth is anymore.

Telling a story is the way we give our life meaning. So I understand the seduction of it. Yet inside the story we are either taking responsibility or blaming. What is your intention when you tell a story? Do you want people to 'side' with you? Do you want to find the lessons in the story? Do you want to search for the truth for each person in the story?

How do you know if the people in your life are true friends? Who will call you on the stories you tell that are just plain stories?

Ask yourself:
Are you able to hear feedback without getting defensive?
And if you do get defensive, can you admit it?
Do you ask your friends "is it me?"
Are you willing to hear the answer?

You might have people in your life that you feel are true friends, but true friends will never agree with you one hundred percent of the time. They can't. Sometimes you are just wrong and they are the ones that you can trust to tell you.

So do you have true friends?

Do you give your friends the space to question you, i.e. go deeper or see the other persons point of view? Are you committed to the truth more than being right?

If you want to be right, forget it. Your friends can't help you and your friends have learned a long time ago that you don't want their help. They KNOW you want to be right and personally, a commitment to being right is so small-minded.

As A Course in Miracles says: Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?

Sure, being right feels good. No one can argue that. But personally, I want to be happy. And sometimes it is my friends that help me get there.

Connection

Fri, 09 Nov 2007 02:28:58 -0800

There is nothing better than connection.

I have not always known that. Connection can be scary because it includes words like vulnerable and intimate. When you connect, people see you or perhaps see through you. Or at least, it can feel that way.

In the almost two years I spent with Mr. Love-A-Lot, I was given a taste of motherhood, learned how to rock climb, ice climb, telemark ski, took an avalache course, was shown the outdoors as a place that was unpredictable but beautiful and fell in love with Telluride (I WILL live there someday). Oh, and don't forget, I purchased two properties, shifted FLI to a virtual office and began working with private coaching clients again after five years on television.

Throughout the past eleven months (yes it has been eleven months since my inner quest began prodding me to unfold even more), I have become a camper, learned how to write a poem (at least a couple types), went out in the woods all by myself for six days and six nights on a Sacred Passage, stayed silent in meditation, admitted that I want to become even more adventurous (signing up for a survival course, moutaineering climb and learning all about how to read those gigantic topography maps), drove down the oregon coast and hiked under the tallest trees in the world, slept on a cot at a friends house for more nights than I ever thought possible and am learning how to accept that people love me.

In the last three months, I have felt anger, jealousy, betrayal, hurt, loneliness, joy, relief, self-loathing, possibilities, disbelief, deep sadness, excitement, hateful thoughts, peace and overwhelming gratitude. And so much more....

In the last month, my ex-husband and I have had dinner three times (no, we are not getting back together), his daughter and I have exchanged emails (she just turned 27!), supported my friend through her divorce (after 19 years of marriage), and I have told Marta the truth ever single time she asks me how I am.

This week, I spoke to six hundred people on Monday and will speak to hundreds more this upcoming weekend.

Next week, I will be in Colorado seeing Mr. Love-A-Lots daughter who I had the privilege of raising for almost two years and spending connecting time with my niece, Deena and my dear friend, Faith. I will be driving through Arizona, past Telluride though the Rockies until I hit Vail for a day before I move on to Boulder.

And all this time...all these eleven months...through all of it...I have felt less like me than ever before yet knowing what is really happening is I am learning to reveal more of me than I have ever known how. I am learning how to connect in a whole new way. A way that is unfamiliar but refreshing, welcoming almost.

Yes, connecting to others but also to myself, to my father and the legacy left to me when he died. My same skin is still on even though it doesn't feel like mine any more. I barely know who I was eleven months ago. I think that is good. Not that I didn't like myself, I did. I have always been proud of who I have become. But this time, it feels different. It IS different. The me that is emerging is forcing old unconscious thoughts to drop away. Ones I didn't even know I had. And it is all happening because I am connecting in ways and with people that I used to rationalize away...

Before I had 'not enough time' - 'busy time' - 'family time' - 'nurturing time' - 'couple time' - 'me time' - 'work time' - 'giving time' - 'writing time' - but little plain ol' 'connection time'

Connection...a word, a way of being, the path I walk with others, and myself. With no agenda, no plan, no goal.

Connect to that feeling. Connect to that intention. Connect to that hug, that smile, that embrace. Connect to those words. Connect to my heart, and head, and wholeness. Connect to my father. Connect to my mother. Connect to the pain, and anguish and forgiveness. Connect to the peace and sparks of joy. Connect to the past and future. Connect to the present. Connect to the love. Connect to myself. Connect to the truth.

My mantra for who knows how long? A lifetime perhaps. Connect.

One word that defines a path, the Fearless Path for me, right here, right now, with you. May we all connect at the deepest level our soul allows and feel it, really feel it and know that it is real.

Namaste.

Enough Already

Tue, 16 Oct 2007 03:30:17 -0700

Thank you for your countless supportive and loving emails. I am overjoyed each time you embrace me for my humanity. What a gift that is to me. And thank you for the emails that are telling me to 'get over Mr. Love-A-Lot already.' Well, it isn't so simple...

Let me explain...

Am I being fearless right now?
You betcha. Probably the last 9 months have tested my fearlessness in ways I thought I wouldn't have to experience again. What's happening now is old stuff I thought was over, done, healed. I haven't felt this way since I was 25 years old.

How am I being fearless?
I am facing my father at a level I never knew existed. It feels like the skin is being ripped off of me and new skin is being born. Sorry for the graphic example but I wanted you to know how it feels at times. :) And for those of you who have experienced the great awakening, you know exactly what I mean.

To clarify:
Everything I am going through due to the break-up with Mr. Love-A-Lot isn't about Mr. Love-A-Lot. Obviously, I can get over Mr. Love-A-Lot. I mean, I am the one who walked out the door. And I did so graciously, lovingly and empoweringly to myself and to him. This is no longer about him. He has just been the catalyst to wake me up to more. That's the humorous and humbling part. For all the work I have done, all the heights I have scaled, all the rivers I have cried...this is where the rubber hits the road. This is the moment where true fearlessness lies.

So now what?
Just like any experience in my life, when Mr. Love-A-Lot and I broke-up I immediately began to look for the deeper healing, the deeper meaning, the deeper possibility. The choice was not stuffing, not hiding, not minimizing. Because I knew, if I was open to experience everything and anything, I would experience exactly what I need. And what I need is to heal a legacy that has been handed down through generations that until now, was just a shadow, barely there.

What would not be fearless?
Just forgetting all about it and saying to myself, "You are amazing so forget the shmuck." Yes, I know I could do that quite easily. But, like I said, this isn't about the shmuck. (teehee!) Because forgetting all about it would include forgetting all the growth that comes with it. All the opportunities for transformation at the core.

This is my journey. You don't have to like it, agree with it or believe in it. I share it because I made a commitment to you long ago that you would always hear the truth from me. Not the pretty truth but the hardcore in-your-face truth. I tell you because I believe we are the same and perhaps if I share what I am going through you will have a little more courage to go there too.

Growth is amazing. It never looks like we think it will...it comes on its own terms, in its own way, on its own time. My choice, then, is to do it fearlessly. And so I do. The best way I know how.

My Ex-Hubby

Sat, 13 Oct 2007 22:35:38 -0700

We all know life works in mysterious ways. As I have been shutting the door on the relationship between me and Mr. Love-A-Lot, another door has swung open. My ex-husband emailed me. I almost fell over.

We hadn't spoken since our divorce. Not because we wouldn't or couldn't, we just didn't. He had married the year following our divorce, I was focused on my career. Two different paths, two different lives. And now he was emailing me to congratulate me on my success.

It couldn't have been more perfect. Me, healing my wounds and him, reaching out to connect. Just what I needed. A gift!

We went out to dinner within days and a movie more recently. It has been good to see him now all these years later. Both of us more mellow. Both of us able to laugh about the past. Both of us practicing to be more loving, more forgiving, more kind.

Another piece of good news comes with this...he has a daughter that I have not seen since the divorce. That was his request oh so many years ago. I reminded him of that and he couldn't remember. It doesn't matter now.

Funny, when I was in Hong Kong at the Temple Street Night Market I sat in front of three different fortune tellers. All for the experience, for fun, to put a smile on my face. Two men and one woman.

They all told me delightful things. I will be in love in the year 2009. Money will be flowing to me from 2008 to 2018. I will have a long and happy life, an enjoyable old age. Winter is my best season. And oh yes, I should not drink. (I quit that in 1988. Whew!)

The middle-aged asian woman, plain spoken with a smile on her face, proclaimed to me that I had two children. I told her, "No, I am very sorry but I have no children." She gave me a puzzled look. The air grew thicker as I waited for her next words. She shook her head to say she didn't believe me. Then, gave a quick pause and looked at my palm again. She repeated her words.

Then I remembered, I do have two....Carl, my ex-husbands daughter, and Mr. Love-A-Lots daughter. Both girls. Both girls I helped raise at different stages of their lives.

I may not be a conventional biological mother, but I have been a mother to two beautiful girls. One a woman now and the other merely four. How fortunate I am to have shared some moments in their lives.

I don't know why I have been blessed to be a part of their lives, it doesn't matter really. All I know is I have been the blessed one. I have become a better person because of their innocence and light and playfulness.

It is good for me to remember this. It is good to be reminded that the reason we think we are in a relationship may not be the real reason after all. Today, once again, I am grateful for Mr. Love-A-Lot. Grateful that when we were together, he so willing shared the most precious gift he could share, his daughter.

p.s. She and I talked on the phone last night as she giggled her way through describing her Halloween Princess dress to me. And I giggled back. How could I not? I was in heaven....

Hong Kong and FLI

Mon, 08 Oct 2007 19:49:26 -0700

Hong Kong loves Fearless Living. What a joy for me to spread the word of Fearless Living to Asia. I want to personally thank Helen Revans, Certified Fearless Living Coach, for making it happen. She tirelessly held Introductory Community Talks as well as countless Fearbuster Groups to make her dream, and ours, come true. And a thank you goes out to Glynis Ferguson, Certified Fearless Living Coach Program Candidate, who supported Helen in this first.

That brings me to our international community and those of who of you who are unable to physically make it to a Fearless Foundation Workshop. With the success of the FFW here in Hong Kong, 31 participants none of whom have seen me on TV or read my books, more than ever I know there is a desire to become fearless in the world. That's why I have decided to teach the Fearless Foundation Workshop via teleclass.

If you want to truly be fearless, doing the Fearless Foundation Workshop is the number one way you can integrate the material you have been reading about in my book, Fearless Living.

Take advantage of the special pricing right now until October 14. If you have not had the opportunity to attend one LIVE, sign up today for something that will truly change your life. And I will be facilitating...I look forward to getting to know each of you!

Emotional Abuse

Sat, 29 Sep 2007 18:38:50 -0700

Mr. Love-A-Lot made me feel loved for many months of our relationship. And I wanted to believe that somewhere inside of him he wanted to love me. Yet, I now see that it is just a fallacy, a dream to make myself feel better. Again, I do live by the belief that "only the love is real" (A Course in Miracles). But that can be true on the spiritual plain yet on the human plain, I see with deep regret, pain and humility that his love was a means to an end. He didn't really know how to love me at all. It isn't personal. He just doesn't know how.

I knew in March when he started to pull away and make unrealistic demands that something was wrong. Yet, I wanted to believe. I wanted to believe if I just made him feel safer, better, more secure, more loved..than all would be okay. When I left, I knew I could do nothing to save our relationship. When I shut the door behind me, I felt exceedingly calm and peaceful. I felt it was ending well.

I didn't see how I was in denial about what had been happening since until I called a friend of mine to say hello and found out she and her husband were in the midst of a divorce. Days later, I was knocking on her door to comfort, to support, to entertain, to love her just a little during this trying time. And then she started talking. I realized it was the words I had been saying in the midst of my break-up with Mr. Love-A-Lot. She was me.

As clear as day I could see she was being emotionally abused. I also knew that I had told Mr. Love-A-Lot many times that he was emotionally abusing me and attempting to manipulate me. That usually settled him down for a time until his Wheel of Fear couldn't take it anymore...he would come out swinging. Not physically but emotionally and mentally. I was shocked.

Shocked at how she (I) was trying to find ways to blame herself (myself) for the demise of her marriage (my relationship). Shocked at how she (I) thought she (I) had become ugly and was undesirable. Shocked at how she (I) was compromising herself (myself) to please him in the middle of his emotional abuse and manipulative behavior after the damage was done. She (I) didn't see how she was taking responsibility for everything to make it easy for him (and hard for her) just to avoid dealing with his ever present anger. She wasn't realizing how she was putting herself down over and over again. The same thing he was doing. They both blamed her. And none of it was true.

I saw myself....and I was shocked that I was still, in some ways, trying to figure it out in my mind what went wrong. How could I have prevented it? What could I have done? Did I do everything I could do? If I just lost weight? Made more money? Then perhaps we could have what we had before...before he started showing this side of himself. I was doing exactly what my friend was doing. We were trying to figure them out so we could figure out what happened. But that isn't how to heal from it. It isn't the answer. It is just another way we are now abusing ourselves....

I mean, if someone loves you, really loves you from an authentic deep place...they won't decide to love you based on your weight. And if they are a mature and healthy adult they won't blame the other partner 90% or more of the time for the demise of the relationship. And if a person could see clearly and truly live by the words 'my needs equal your needs' then when someone was trying to manipulate, you would see it. At least if you really were willing to trust yourself above all else.

Because that is how emotional abuse works. They want you to doubt yourself. They want you to trust their opinion more than your own. They want you to believe in them, want them, need them more than they do you. They want you to question yourself over and over so you don't have the time or energy to question them. That way the power is in their hands.

Mr. Love-A-Lot must be feeling pretty powerless. It didn't work with me, at least for long, at least not now. Sure, when it started in March ever so slowly until May when it started peaking...like I said, I wanted to make it work. He hadn't showed those colors to me before but in truth, he did it with others. He always blamed everyone else if things didn't go his way. I saw it. I said something. He would nod his head but it didn't change.

Emotional abuse tactics:
1. The abuser feels entitled. In other words, the world owes him.
Mr. Love-A-Lot would always tell me how he trusts everyone and he always gets screwed. That can't be true of course. I told him that it was his discernment not his trust in others that was the problem.
2. The abuser has difficulty saying thank you or I'm sorry.
In fact, Mr. Love-A-Lot was great at saying thank you if I made him a cup of tea but never said thank you when I bought furniture for the house or the fact that I moved to the mountains because of him. That's what they want...you to change your behavior for them. He would only say he was sorry if I asked. And he would only say it once with no explanation or care.
3. The abuser wants you to believe they are good at something you aren't. Therefore, you need them. Mr. Love-A-Lot would say it over and over again how I was bad with money and he was good with it. Therefore, who was supposed to be handling it according to him?
4. The abuser may not show his colors for months. Mr. Love-A-Lot wanted me to feel safe before he acted out his abuse. That way, when it starts, you don't believe it is happening. This doubt is his ally.
5. The abuser takes credit for everything good which in turn, you are to blame for everything bad. This isn't necessarily black and white. Think of it more as a theme.
6. The abuser wants you to feel crazy. Therefore, you become powerless and appear to be inconsistent and unreliable making his case against you iron clad.
7. They advertise their pain and anguish to anyone who will listen. So again, you appear to be the one causing it all and the abuser appears to be the innocent bystander.

Get close. Pull back. Blame. Defend. Attack. Put the other party on the defensive. Tactics of emotional abuse. How do you feel? You doubt yourself, worry, try harder, tell yourself this isn't how he/she was before so what happened. You start looking for the why. There is no why beyond control. He/She wants control and now is the time they have chosen to get it.

Mr. Love-A-Lot will not let me see his daughter, who called me Mommy for the last year, on his parental time. Another crazy irrational control tactic. And he says, as he consciously makes this decision, that it is best for his daughter. We both know that is a lie...

I wonder what message he is giving her? Women are to be controlled? Manipulated? Not to be trusted? You can tell people you love them but if they don't do as you say you get rid of them, ruthlessly? He told me as I left that he never had a nice break-up before. The fact that we were still talking the day I left surprised him. Now I know why. And now I know why he began to be cruel as soon as I walked out the door....

Standing Firm

Fri, 14 Sep 2007 00:20:11 -0700

Hmmmm....where do I start?

Well, first off, I want to thank all of you for the wonderful, loving, supportive emails you have sent to me. I am continually amazed at the generous hearts of our Fearless Community. I have received poems of hope, suggestions for exercises and just a lot of love and hugs. I am touched. And extremely grateful. You remind me what it means to be fearless. Thank you!

Second, I want to assure all of you that I am completely committed to forgiving and loving and seeing the innocence of Mr. Love-A-Lot (sometimes I think I could totally go back to him in a heartbeat). And I am also committed to experiencing the very human feeling of anger (which I rarely allow in my life).

I want to remind you that anger is one of the stages of forgiveness. And it is one that I can so 'understand away'. I mean, I get why people do what they do. I get that Mr. Love-A-Lot is raging on his Wheel of Fear. I get that he is completely enveloped in his trigger of incompetent. I get that. And because I get that I sometimes forget to actually feel my feelings.

I do not want to do that.

I want to live what I tell my client regularly...my needs equal your needs. Just because I understand what Mr. Love-A-Lot might be feeling doesn't mean my needs have to be put on the back burner. (Trust me, I am good at that.) So here I sit in the muck of the journey called life.

I do not want to rush it.

Again, I understand so clearly that I can easily jump through the stages of forgiveness and wrap it all up in a nice neat package which we would all find so enlightening and loving and amazing. But then it wouldn't stick. It would eventually haunt me once again.

I do not want to pretend.

I want to actually be fearless in every moment of my life. Sometimes that will look like I am stuck and less than evolved. I am willing to risk how I might look to the outside world for a life with meaning and as my own coach says, "A life of soul satisfaction."

Mr. Love-A-Lot has been less than loving during the closing of our relationship. He has attempted to manipulate me, disempower me and blame me for everything under the sun. Again, I get that it is his Wheel of Fear. He has called all of his friends and told them a story about how we ended, his version of course, that makes me out to me Ms. Horrible. Again, I get that he is triggered big time. He sends me text messages and emails that would shock you (they did me) in his relentless pursuit to make me feel bad, guilty and ashamed to be me.

I do not want to lie.

I will not cave in to his version of the story just to make him feel better. I will not, every again, believe another person over my own intuition and my truth. I will not tell him what he wants to hear because I would be lying. He wants me to doubt myself. He wants to me to second-guess our past conversations. He wants me to care more about what his friends might think of me than what I think of me. He wants me to give up me.

I do not want to die. And I would die if I gave up me.

So that is where I am. Between understanding him so well that I can be in love with him all over again to reminding myself that I have to love myself just as much if not more than I ever loved him. And to love myself, right now, at this moment in time, I have to give up caring what he thinks and what he wants. And that is hard when you love somebody. It is really hard.

I love Mr. Love-A-Lot. Always will. But today, I must choose me.

Mourning and Regret

Thu, 06 Sep 2007 15:59:17 -0700

"It didn't have to end like this."

That thought just keeps swirling around in my brain. I think the grief is setting in, the loss, the mourning and even some regret. And he still doesn't call. To check-in. To check-up. Nothing. The last thing he told me? He was going to date other people. (Too much information, thank you. And none of my business.)

I have vacillated between loving Mr. Love-A-Lot and having deep gratitude for him to hating him for how I felt he disrespected our relationship by his words and his actions. (Of course, my perception). In those moments, I feel betrayed by what he told me over and over again compared with the way it ended.

Now, do I really hate him? Of course not. Do I think he was lying to me? At the end, perhaps. But, in his mind, probably for good reasons. Oh, how we rationalize love.

Today I finally cried. I left him over three weeks ago and today I could barely maintain through the day. Every thought of him put me in a puddle. Every memory betrayed me and the knowingness that this, in the end, was the right path for me to take.

I probably cried today because I finally allowed myself to get angry yesterday. Anger is always a cover for hurt but sometimes we have to get angry before we allow the hurt in. Today the hurt is big, enormous, gigantic.

These are all the feelings that have moved through me today...I am hurt. I am sad. I am disappointed. I am angry. I feel betrayed. I feel like a fool. I feel stupid. I hate him. I love him. I am grateful. I feel clear and hopeful and calm. I am all over the place, up and down and all around. And I love him.

I realize he probably feels betrayed too and hurt and sad and angry and stupid and all the feelings I have. We just have different stories to go along with our feelings.

The story I tell myself is that he always told me, over and over again, that we were going to be together always. And yet, when we hit a bump, a hard merciless bump that triggered both of us big time, I felt (my perception) he made a bee line for safety and comfort. He had only one solution and I couldn't agree with it. I gave him others but to no avail.

He is probably telling himself that I'm stubborn and independent and scarred from my parents death and I'm sure he is telling himself he tried to love me but....and who knows what follows.

I do believe that it didn't have to end this way. And I also realize that it ended the way it needed to. In Fearless Loving I start off the book by stating: Love is messy. Oh, yes...I can say that again.

Sand Dunes, Redwoods and a Tent

Wed, 29 Aug 2007 19:22:07 -0700

Warning! Please sit down before reading the following blog. Be prepared to be shocked and amazed.

Are you sitting down? For the past 10 days I have been tent camping (yes, I said a tent) by myself (yes, I said by myself) along the Oregon coast and Redwood Forest in Northern California. Each night I set up a tent and slept near the ocean or under redwoods or tucked myself into a tight spot when there was no room at a Campground. AND I LOVED IT!!! (Shocking part!)

It was that darn Sacred Passage that hooked me on camping and I knew it was the right thing to do, the thing I needed to do, after the break-up with Mr. Love-A-Lot. I spent a lot of time hiking or staring at the ocean or journaling. Tons of me time. And boy, did I need it.

It was also a dream fulfilled. I have wanted to travel down the Oregon coast for over ten years yet the timing was never right and when I realized I could carve out two weeks to do it, I did it. I wasn't going to let another dream pass me by especially now when another dream was dying.

Over the past ten days I have had many revelations and awakenings regarding my relationship. I am grateful for the outdoor adventure experience he gave me and the opportunity to be part of his daughter's life. What a gift! And I also realize how, once again, subtle fear plays into my relationships and how, on some level, I am still attempting to heal from the pain of my parents deaths.

The good news...before my relationship trauma's showed up in vivid color playing out with a ton of drama and blame and shame and pain. Now, there is no drama and the similiarities between Mr. Love-A-Lot and my relationship with my father are so secret, so subtle, so seductive that they are barely visible even now.

This is where journaling comes in handy. Every feeling I had about him I asked how am I living that feeling or denying that feeling or avoiding it. Every name I called him under my breath driving the thousand plus miles I did, I asked myself how am I those same things, those same names...how could I call myself that if I was honest with myself. And honest I was. Dark night of the soul, HELLO! It was more like Dark Night of Ten Days and Nights.

And each of those days and nights I loved him and then hated him and then wanted him back and then never wanted to see him again and then wondered if he called. Back and forth playing out the human emotions of separation, physical and emotional.

I am better for it all. I am a better me. I am better for having known him, for having loved him, for receiving his love, for living the life I did beside him. I am better.

Thank you Mr. Love-A-Lot. Today, I thank you because who knows how I will feel tomorrow about you.... (Wink, smile, grin).

Love is Not Enough

Mon, 20 Aug 2007 21:15:56 -0700

Love is not enough for me and Mr. Love-A-Lot. Last Wednesday, we broke up. It wasn't a shock by the time it actually happened yet it was a shock as I watched the ties binding us unravel one-by-one. It was almost surreal. I couldn't believe that what felt so right and so true was no longer being experienced that way.

It didn't end because of one particular moment. I didn't find him in bed with anyone else. And he didn't find me lying about where I was. Neither of us cheated or lied. Neither of us screamed at each other. Neither of us called each other names. Neither of us, I don't think, wanted to end this way. We just did.

Instead it unraveled moment after moment after moment. It was one conversation built upon another that didn't jive, didn't make sense, didn't belong in our relationship. Other colors of who we were started showing up and those colors didn't match what was already there.

"They" say it is best to experience someone you love through all four seasons of the year before you 'commit'. I didn't wait. I dived in, jumped in, ran in. It had been over five years since I had been in a relationship. Meeting Mr. Love-A-Lot was heaven. Being with him was exactly what I wanted. Then. Sadly, not now.

Can you say I had expectations? Sure. Did we set each up other to fail? I don't think so. Did we try as hard as we could to stay together? I would say that's a no.

And that's always the tough part for me. I have a tendency to stay until they drag me down and beat me up. I didn't want to do that same thing with Mr. Love-A-Lot.

Over the past six months, words we have said, actions we have taken, values we once shared....all came to a head and a decision had to be made. Stay or go. The writing was on the wall. I just had to be willing to read the message and let me tell you, I didn't want to.

Over a month ago he told me I should go. He never took it back. He never asked me to stay. And yet, I would decide that when he told me he loved me he was saying 'stay' or when we went out to dinner he was secretly saying 'stay' or when we talked of the future he was saying 'stay, stay, stay.'

The day we broke-up he never asked me to stay. I mentioned that to him. Once again, he didn't ask me to stay. I can take a hint.

I could tell you all the reasons I think it ended. But I would just be making it up. And I don't want to make up reasons for something that isn't black and white.

I love him. He says he loves me. That is what I choose to believe. We love each other but, in this case, love wasn't enough.

Mourning alongside Minneapolis

Fri, 03 Aug 2007 23:43:01 -0700

I was born in Minnesota and lived only blocks away from the bridge that collapsed. My sister Cindy sent me an email the minute she heard and back and forth we went. Worried. Sad. Grieving.

All we wanted was more information. I think that is true during any tragedy. We want answers. Why this bridge? Who knew? Who was on it? What time of day? What was the weather like? In some ways I believe we think that the more information we have the more we can make sense out of a senseless tragedy. Especially when we are miles away from our beloved home state.

I mourn those lives lost. I grieve alongside those who don't know where their loved ones are. I am in pain for the ones who are lost but no one knows about them because no one has reported them. I am saddened that this tragedy could have been prevented but I think preventability is what makes it a tragedy.

A loved one dying of lung cancer because they chose to smoke for twenty years. A spouse having a heart attack because they refused to exercise and lower their cholestrol. A friends daughter contracting AIDS because she was embarrassed to ask her lover to wear a condom. The bridge was labeled 'structurally deficient' in 1990 yet that put its repairs scheduled for the year 2010. All preventable. All tragedies.

The broad label was information but not the information that was needed. I vote for a more accurate and specific rating system so that the over 75000 bridges given the same label in the US can be repaired based on the most critical needs. Lumping them all together with a generic label does not move people to action. It just makes people complacent.

Like why bother giving up smoking since no one in the family has died of cancer. Or the spouse that had a heart attack could be heard saying they had no time to exercise and besides, they increased their green intake. And the young girl who contracted AIDS never believed it would happen to her. And the folks that worked for the federal government who gave the bridge that label never thought it would collapse during rush hour. And neither did I.

We didn't have the technology then to inspect it as we could today. I will give the federal government that. Yet, we do have the technology now. Why do people always have to die before someone has the courage to blow the whistle?

In the end, it all comes down to love. Loving who we are with when we are with them and letting those that we are separated from know that we are loving them through the miles. And most importantly, loving ourselves enough to do what we can to prevent what we can prevent. Because we can give up smoking, lower our cholestrol, start exercising and make sure condoms are a must and yes, we have little control over a bridge falling down.

Love. Love. Love. Love yourself. Love your family. Love your friends. Love your community. Love your state. Love your country. Love the world. All the world. Love every inch of it. When we love that much, the thought of a bridge collapsing would be enough to get the entire nation in action because we would never let our brother or sister be in harms way...ever. No matter how much it costs. No matter what it takes. No matter what.

Love. Fearlessly. Perhaps that is the one greatest thing we have control of....

Sending love through the miles to my sisters and brothers in Minnesota. Sending healing to all those who are in pain and suffering. Sending light to surround those who are still missing. May they be found. Alive.